


Bow Chicka Bow Wow: Variations on a Theme

by Duckbilled_Platypus



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 01:32:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2794871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckbilled_Platypus/pseuds/Duckbilled_Platypus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lavernius Tucker, Private First Class of the Blue Army, Captain of the Rebels of Chorus, ladies man and alien sword wielding bad ass would just like it noted for the record that none of this was his fault, in any way. Well maybe a little. 2%, maybe 10/20%, okay at maximum 30%, possibly 40% his fault. But it was mostly Church's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Theme: Stupidity

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.  
> Warning: There is one reference to rape in this chapter but no one has been or is raped. 
> 
> It's been a really really long time since I wrote anything and this is my first time in RVB fandom so I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> On the grammar and spelling in this fic, unfortunatley I have problems with both these things. I may be dyslexic but I've never been tested, alternatively I'm just a bit shit at spelling. In either case I am sorry if there are errors and if anyone would like to beta for me that would be awesome! 
> 
> Thank you

Lavernius Tucker, Private First Class of the Blue Army, Captain of the Rebels of Chorus, ladies man and alien sword wielding bad ass mother fucker would just like it noted for the record that none of this was his fault, in any way.

Well maybe a little. 2%, maybe 10/20%, okay at maximum 30% possibly 40% his fault. But it was mostly Church's fault.

Actually screw that it's all Church's fault. Because he's a dick. Okay that might not entirely be why this particular epic shit storm is his fault, it's just something that Tucker feels should be noted down. Leonard Church is a grade A dickhead and also none of anything that happened was Tuckers fault.

Okay it might have been 60% his fault.

* * *

* * *

They're pinned down and not in the good way. The Chairman's space pirate extravaganza have them surrounded. Carolina's out and Church hasn't been responding for the last five minutes. All the rest of the crew are still at the bases. It's just him and Grif.

Fuck.

Across the lab that Tucker, Grif and Carolina had just wondered into on patrol (and now really, no seriously really regretting it) the Meta's helmet sat surrounded by wires connecting it to some scarily massive computer. A count down was already flashing on all five screens: 6 Minutes, 5 Minutes 59 seconds, 5 Minutes and 58 seconds.

"Dude I hate to break it to you but we are boned." Grif muttered to Tucker.

"So sorry." Felix said "You know I was really rooting for you guys. Okay that's a total lie, since you've screwed up all my plans I've been hoping you'll all die from a vat of boiling oil being dumped onto you from a great height. Something tells me you'd taste delicious deep fried." He nodded that last part to Grif.

"Just so you know, I've faced my share of psycho's over the years and that right there is by far the creepiest shit any one has said to me ever. So congratulations I guess." Grif said with a disgusted shrug.

"Yeah congrats you win the asshole of the year award. Now why don't you and your buddy's go out and celebrate. I hear the center of the sun's a really good place to hang out. " Tucker told him with a grin, he'd just seen a flash of yellow armor out the corner of his eye

"Now now Tucker there's no need to be so rude." Felix scolded with all his usual swagger as he twirled his dagger casually . "No one likes a sore loser."

"What? Have you not been paying attention? We've kicked your asses three times this year. If anyone's the loser it's you." Tucker said. He could see Wash was almost in position, hiding behind a nearby Warthog, with Felix's head in his line of sight. All Tucker had to do was keep Felix focused on him. 

Felix laughed darkly, up until now Tucker didn't know that he could hate someone's laugh so much. See you learn something new about yourself everyday.

"What's so funny bitch?" He spat.

"Well it's just that you keep saying 'we'. 'We won' and 'we beat you'. The truth is Tucker there is no 'we'." Felix moved in, getting all up in Tuckers space forcing him to look up into Felix's visor as he whispered poisonously in Tucker's ear.

"There's your freelancer buddies who are actually a threat and then there's _you_." He jabbed Tucker hard in the chest "You spend all your time pretending that you don't care, that you're some cool badass and those pick up lines! Man you really think you're a player don't you? But you know what? You're not a player. You're not a leader hell you're not even a _soldier_. You're nothing but an idiot with a big mouth playing at being a man.

All you do is fuck things up for other people and get them killed. The only reason the freelancer's have stuck with you so long is that they feel sorry for you but the moment, the very moment that you start being more trouble than your worth and bang. You're on your own and I give you maybe three minutes before you get yourself killed. Probably with a good deal of casualties."Tucker could hear the twisted grin on his face. " Hey Tucker you wanna know when that moment's going to be?"

"Is it going to be before I ram my foot so far up your smug ass that I can clean the soles of my boot with your teeth?" Tucker said trying hard to keep Felix distracted and not giving in the urge to beat the shit out of him.

"Well not unless you do that in the next two seconds, which by the way I wouldn't because I am totally on board with shooting everyone in the head first." Felix nodded his head to the goon brigade one of whom hit Grif sending him crashing to the floor spewing about five different language's worth of obscenities.

Tucker tensed his arm ready to throw the first punch when Felix gripped his shoulder so tightly he could feel it through his armor effectively stopping him in place. He put his hands on either side of Tuckers helmet and with mock gentleness pulled it off leaving Tucker completely exposed. Felix swept his dreads delicately from his face.

It took everything Tucker had not to headbutt him, which given he had no helmet on would have broken his face and of course the space pirates surrounding them would kill them after but whatever it was starting to feel like it would be totally worth it  

"See Tucker you are going to get Agent Washington killed in the next few seconds."

"Wash isn't here asshole and even if he was I wouldn't let you kill him." He scoffed.

"No see, you are because like I said you're an idiot. I know he's here, we've got sensors because we're actually professionals and not total idiots who just happen not to have died yet. And you Tucker, you're going to tell me where he is." Tucker opened his mouth but Felix laid his finger across his lips shushing him. " Well I say tell I really mean show."

"Yeah and how am I going to do that asshole?" He mumbled through Felix's finger.

"Simple. You're going to look at him." Felix said smugly.

"Dude you're fucking kidding me!" He started to say but he felt it, almost as if it was totally beyond his control. Just for a split second his eyes flicked to Wash's position and now he knew why Felix had removed his helmet.

Felix swung around so fast it was like he'd stolen Carolina's armor enhancement unit. The knife hit Wash in the shoulder making his shot miss Felix head by inches and also scarily close to killing Tucker.

"Wash!" Tucker surged forward only to be knocked on his ass by Felix punching him in the face. He tasted blood and his eyes swam. In the distance he could hear Wash's muttered cursing as Felix wrenched his knife free and picked up Wash's gun.

"Sorry Tucker I'd hate to say I told you so...what am I saying I'd love to say I told you so."

"Felix, stop. You've already lost this planet. Locus is dead. It's only a matter of time before the Chairman is brought to justice. " Wash said from his position on the floor clutching at his wounded arm. " There's no need to keep this up you've said it yourself you're a mercenary you don't have to stay with the Chairman, you don't owe him any loyalty."

"Yeah and what you guys are just going to let me go? After everything I did? Nah I think you're going to put me in jail and I am far too damn attractive to go to jail. I would have to kill _so_ many people for no money. That alone means it's not worth it." He replied with a shrug and plenty of scorn.

"But you've already lost this planet" Wash started his full 'let's be reasonable' voice in place. Tucker could have told him that it wouldn't work on Felix. Crazy and reasoned debate do not mix which is why Tucker had very carefully just removed the AI unit from Carolina's unconscious form and plugged it into his own.

He didn't even wait for the dizziness to hit him signaling Church had uploaded before he thought loudly. **Where the fuck have you been?**

_Fuck you asswhipe, I got damaged in the firefight that you started. Oh and by the way thank you for yanking me from Carolina's unit and putting me in your disgusting slot again. I swear Tucker...I mean how do you find the time to download so much porn? We're in a war zone!_

**Church much as I enjoy you bitching at me like a teenage girl kinda in trouble here!** Tucker thought as he tried to pull himself up but collapsed back down struck with another dizzy spell.

Wash was still talking but Felix had left him bleeding on the floor to check the computer that was just about finished its upload.

"I don't understand why you would still follow the Chairman's plans." Wash said though gritted teeth.

"What makes you losers think that I'm follow the Chairman's plan?" Felix said still fiddling with the Meta's helmet when suddenly there was a riot of sound as Felix turned and shot every goon in the head before they could react. Tucker could hear twin 'Son of a bitch!' from Grif and Church.

"See I've just found out that this helmet contains a really fun bit of kit involving time loops."

 _Uh oh. Hey Tucker now would be a really great time for you to wake up Carolina._ Which is not something that Tucker needed to be told. Grif was already shaking Carolina's shoulder desperately with no luck.

"Well I've managed to find a way to make it work even better. Yeah I know I am so awesome . I'm going to make a door, just a little door to the days of yore. I'm going to go before all this started, hell I might even go back to before project freelancer. I am going to find me and using my superior knowledge of everything that is about to go down, team up and make me a ton of cash and also power if I feel like it. It's going to be sweet! Oh but not before I kill all of you first, which you know, is not going to be difficult as you won't even know I'm coming."

"You can't! Felix that's insane the repercussions they're just! " Wash sputtered. " You've no idea what you could set in motion any action could..." Wash didn't finish the sentence but launched himself at Felix, he was obviously more injured than Tucker first thought because Felix managed to send him to the floor fast out cold.

"Please spare me the don't tread on a butterfly bullshit. So long as I'm okay honestly I don't give a shit." Felix panted walking away from Wash's unconscious body .

"Dude she is not waking up." Grif hissed as he manhandled Carolina into a sitting position .

Felix cast one more derisive look over his shoulder at the pair of them. "See Tucker I told you you'd get them all killed." He said. He shot Wash in the chest.

Tucker couldn't remember shouting or falling, all he knows is that he's on the floor screaming as Grif physically held him down.

The countdown reached 0.00 seconds and the room burst into light and everything began to shake.

There was a cone of electric sparking static around the Meta's helmet. Felix turned to give one last jaunty salute before he disappeared.

Church was shouting in his head and Grif was shouting in his ear and all Tucker could hear was the dull ringing as he stared at Wash's still body.

_Tucker. Tucker._

"Tucker we've got to do something! Dude move!" Grif told him when he got no response he dragged Tucker off the floor and into the nearby Warthog and shoved Tuckers helmet roughly back onto his head.

Grif ran back and began carrying Carolina to the vehicle as the building shook with increasing ferocity and no one needed a degree to figure out shit was about to go down.

 _Tucker. Tucker_.

Okay this bit that happens now, Tucker will take some of the blame for.

His head was still numb and he just kept looking at Wash on the floor and he could feel Felix's words in his head and the shot and Cunningham and Rogers and absolutely everything that happened to him his whole life and suddenly Tucker felt it deep inside.

Something snapped.

_Tucker, don't you fucking dare. Stay in the car. Listen to me. Tucker! Tucker! STOP!_

It was too late nothing could be said by anyone to stop him. Nothing could touch him and no one could reason with him.

He leaped out the Warthog sprinted across the room jumped into the light. The last thing he heard was Church's voice in his head.

_Son of a bitch._


	2. Theme: Imprisonment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left Kudos and comments last time it made my week! 
> 
> Again I'd like to warn you that my spelling and grammar is not perfect, there's lots of swearing. And nothing is mine. 
> 
> Thank you again, hope you like it xx.

Okay. Stop. Lets rewind and go back to the beginning.

 

 

When he was 22 Tucker walked out of the hospital and into the nearest bar. He then went to another bar and another after that and ...well you get the picture. The last clear memory he had was of being at a bar in Mexico, with more Tequila in reach then should have been physically possible, with Tiffany and Traci on either arm. It all got a bit fuzzy after that.

He came to on a ship, blue armor heavy on his back on his way, he would find out later, to basic training. Opposite him was some douche-bag in light blue armor, even with the helmet it was obvious they were staring.

"Dude, you are fucked up." Was the first thing that Church ever said to Tucker.

"Whatever asshole." Was the first thing that Tucker ever said to Church, before he promptly lent forward and threw up over their feet.

* * *

 

The latest thing that Church said to Tucker was. "Tucker. Tucker. Don't die yet, I want you to be awake when I tell you how much you suck."

"Church? Isstha' you?" Tucker slurred. His eyelids refused to budge and his body was now apparently made of rubber. Cool.

"No. It's God. I just came down to tell you that you are the biggest moron that ever lived." Church replied waspishly. "Of course it's me! Now I need you to listen very carefully, which I know is a big stretch for you on most days, but I really really need you to open your eyes. Tucker can you do that."

It turned out to be strangely difficult to manage but finally he did it. To be honest it didn't seem worth the hassle, all he could see was a blurry blue light and an orange blob.

"Are we going to basic? Don't make me go it sucks." Tucker whined to the light.

"We're not at basic we're...somewhere else." Another voice said.

"Wash?" Tucker found himself trying to stand and being pushed down again. Obviously God was there and was trying to piss him off. "Wash your okay! I thought something...something happened..." Tucker tried desperately. There was a thought there, ragged, painful, rearing its head just beyond his grasp.

"No it's Grif." Tucker finally got his eyes open again and looked at the orange blob is askance.

"Grif?" He said squinting.

"Yeah. Tucker do you remember what happened?" Grif put a heavy hand on Tuckers shoulder. The weight of it grounded him momentarily, he wished it hadn't.

"I think...I feel sick." He was cold, shaking, and his brain was trying to escape his skull. The voices where still talking above him. He couldn't find it in him to care.

"He's in shock and he's got a concussion." Church said angrily (like he ever said anything any other way Tucker thought, he laughed to himself or tried, his tongue refused to co-operate).

"Wow. You really are a super computer. You know after all these years of getting the shit kicked out of me every five minutes, I still don't know  what concussion and shock look like. Man I am so glad you're here." Even through the haze Tucker was impressed with the level of sarcasm that Grif managed in one sentence, he totally needed to ask him how he did it. It was vitally important. Tucker had his mouth halfway open when he fell back unwillingly into the darkness.

The last thing he heard was Church and Grif bickering and the feeling of being lifted off the floor.

* * *

 

Tucker spent the first week of training debating about whether or not to go home.

On the one hand basic training sucked major balls. For starters he had to live in barracks surrounded by loads of other guys. Tucker liked his privacy okay and he was really starting to feel the itch to bang some hot chicks (maybe then he could stop thinking about those long death rattle breaths and just. Just. Stop.Thinking) and good though he was, the hundred other guys surrounding him 24/7 cramped his style. And secondly sergeants shouting insults right in his face? Surprisingly not the best remedy for a hangover.

Once after he'd been called maggot and about fifty other insults as he crawled through mud and over stupid wooden frames (because that's totally what you find in intergalactic battles -wooden obstacle courses) he actually got so far as to go to the phones and half dial home. He sat there for twenty minutes looking at the screen. He'd probably missed the funeral. He'd be going back to...well nothing he particularly wanted to go back to. Eventually he slouched back to barracks without calling anyone.

The second week he tried a bit harder because why the hell not. He wasn't half bad, nowhere near the front of the pack but whatever. It's not like he cared. 

He saw Church again after three weeks but only from a distance (and he didn't know him as Church then either but as Sir Swears-a-lot). It was night or early morning depending on your point of view and Tucker had sneaked out to go to the showers for, well, for a quick tug on the little- though not that little thank you- private.

On his way back refreshed and relaxed he saw Sir Swears -a -Lot being escorted into a restricted warehouse. Tucker took a few steps closer to investigate before stopping. For some reason the small walk from the lit path to the unlit side entrance seemed massive.

"Is there something that you need Private?" You couldn't prove that Tucker nearly jumped out of his skin or that he whirled around so fast he nearly tripped. Although he did.

The voice belonged to one of the higher ups in command. Tucker didn't know his name or what his role was, not that he cared mind you, all he knew was that his voice was the creepiest shit **ever**. It was ridiculously calm to the point that Tucker was sure the guy was secretly a serial killer in his time off.

"Nah...I mean no sir." Tucker corrected himself. The man turned out to have a creepy stare as well. Fantastic.

"It's Private Tucker isn't it?" He said creepily (in fact just take it as read that everything the guy did was creepy from here on out).

"Yes, sir." Tucker replied trying desperately not to shuffle or move or blink in anyway. He didn't know what punishment he'd get for sneaking off to masturbate in the communal showers but he was betting it wasn't pretty.

"You're scores have been quite good. You've shown a lot of improvement in the last few weeks have you not?" What was Tucker supposed to say to that?

"I guess." Wow that stare was penetrating. " I mean, yes sir." Tucker was gifted with another long inscrutable look.

"Do you mind if I ask what made you want to join the army." Tucker debated for a few seconds on answering honestly but then it occurred to Tucker that there was no one else around and if he wanted to Creepy could kill him, hide his body and **no one would ever know.**

Then, and in what was going to turn out to be a pretty big pattern in Tuckers army life, he panicked and said the very first thing that came to his mind. "For the chicks...sir."

For once Creepy seemed thrown but it was short lived. "Please Private Tucker we can dispense with the formalities for now, I'd rather you felt at ease. You're not in any trouble." Which Tucker was fairly certain was code for _'you're not in trouble right now but let's give it a few seconds and see.'_ "So you feel that women were a mitigating factor in your joining the blue army."

"Er yeah.They dig a guy in armor. Everyone knows soldiers are pussy magnets. That's what you meant by mitigating right?" Tucker tried giving a winning grin, it quickly went and hid behind the hedges at his commanders expression.

Creepy looked at him for way longer than he needed to then over to the warehouse door that Tucker had clearly been about to walk towards and then back to Tucker.

"You arrived with Private Church didn't you." He said and it could have been Tuckers imagination but it seemed like there was an edge to Creepy's voice that Tucker really didn't want to think about.

"I don't know, I was with another guy in blue armor." Tucker shrugged.

"Did you want to see him? He's in that warehouse over there. You must be wondering why he isn't stationed with the rest of the recruits." Creepy said and Tucker swore he could hear the barbs in the question.

It was on the tip of his tongue to say hell yeah because he was creeped out but he was curious about 'Private Church' but then he remembered that the guy in front of him was a serial killer and for once in an unnatural show of saying the right thing at the right time Tucker said "Not really I'd rather go back to my bunk."

His commanding officer (and possible murderer) gave Tucker a frank and shrewd stare before nodding seemingly happy with his response. "You're not naturally curious are you Private Tucker." He said.

"Not really. I just want to get laid." Tucker lied.

"It's late you should get some rest. You're dismissed." Creepy told him.

Tucker forced himself not to look back as he walked away, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he just knew he was being watched.

At the time Tucker had been too wrapped up in his own shit to think about the implications of that conversation. He was just relieved he hadn't been, you know, axe-murdered. Sure he'd been curious about Church but only in an off handed way.

He regretted it later on when he realized the significance of what had happened that night.

Two weeks later he received his orders.

He was to be stationed at Blood Gulch.

* * *

 

 

Tucker jolted awake and everything was clear. He just wished it wasn't.

It was dark, still in his armor and lying on a make shift bed in a small closet. Church was floating near Grif's head and the two were muttering to each other. They stopped when they saw him sit up.

"Hey you're alive. We we're starting to think you'd died." Grif said from his position crammed into the corner.

"Ow." Tucker winced " What the fuck happened?"

Church came over to hover near him. " Well er.." He started with an uncharacteristic hesitance but Grif came to his rescue, in a fashion.

"Felix did a Bond Villain impression, Wash did an Obi Wan impression, you did a Caboose impression and now we're fucked." He summarized with aplomb.

"What the hell? I meant now! Where the hell are we now. I remember everything else and I did not do a Caboose impression!" Tucker may have flailed a bit on that last point. Church glowed red for a second and interrupted Grif before he could start, apparently he'd managed to find that well of never ending supply of anger he carried around with him. Lucky Tucker.

"No you're right, you went one better than Caboose. You are now the dumbest person who ever lived! I mean even Caboose has never been so stupid that he would run off half cocked and jump into an electric storm time tunnel thing!"

"Are we talking about the same Caboose? Of course he would. Caboose has done dumber shit than that before breakfast." Tucker scoffed.

"Yeah Church, what Tucker did was plenty dumb but there's no need to exaggerate." Grif chimed in, in his defense.

"Exaggerate? Exaggerate! I'm not exaggerating! Tucker you ran into a ball of unknown electric stuff, you had no idea what it would do to you or what it was." Church shouted almost stuttering with rage.

"I thought it was a time tunnel thing. That's what Felix said." Tucker interrupted which nearly sent Church into an apoplectic fit.

"What? Just because Felix said so it must be true! Where you not there for the whole speech? The only thing missing was the white cat and a bad laugh! The guys a fucking lunatic!" Church screeched with a volume that was impressive considering his size.

"So where are we then?" Tucker asked.

The silence echoed all the more after the shouting.

Church refused to look at him when he mumbled. "...in the past." 

"So Felix was right then." Tucker pointed out un-diplomatically.

Church dismissively shrugged it off. "Yes okay he was right. That doesn't make what you did any less stupid or dumb."

"So where's Felix?" Church and Grif only gave empty shrugs in reply.

"Sorry man, I blacked out when I got here. I mean you may not remember, but that shit hurt. Anyway by the time I came around he was already gone."

Tucker sat up all the way ignoring the twinges and aches that sprang up all over. He peered over at Grif, who was still sat slumped in the corner, helmet off and brown hair in disarray, mournfully chewing on an MRE.

"I don't get it, why'd you end up here?"

Grif rolled his eyes."Trying to rescue you dip shit."

"Rescue me?" Okay Tucker could have probably said that with less surprise.

"Yeah you're welcome." Grif sarcastically obviously bristling slightly at the snub."I went to stop you killing yourself and ended up here, thanks for that. And I had to drag your ass in here and make sure you didn't die. I'll have you know that I've been sat on a very suspicious wet patch for you for the last four hours. So a little appreciation would really be great." He sulked.

"Hey I didn't ask you to follow me or anything."

"Well it's not like you gave me the choice, you ran out the Warthog so fast." Grif bitched, suddenly he got an animated glint in his eye. " Oh and that reminds me I totally saved your life before with Felix after he shot..." Grif suddenly trailed off.

Tucker hadn't forgotten what had happened to Wash. It was a numbness that he'd been trying with everything he had to ignore. Now it was as if Grif and Church were expecting him to say something and he couldn't find the words. No it wasn't that, he could only think of words, thousands of them and if he started they'd flood out and he wasn't sure if he could stop. So he did what he always did when times got tough- he ignored it

He took stock of the situation. .The closet they were all shoved in didn't really have a roof. Instead it was covered in scaffolding offering some protection. Which was great because Tucker was getting fed up of waking up with puddles of water all over his floor. Chorus sucked. In one corner sat Grif still giving him pitying glances, in the far corner was Tuckers makeshift camp bed made of discarded tubes and old ratty tarps.

"So where are we?" Tucker said interrupted the glum silence. Church had by now perched himself on Tuckers shoulder apparently having calmed down somewhat.  Grif again in a surprising turn of events answered before Church could open his mouth.

"Where we left. " Grif carried on explaining oblivious to the look Tucker and Church now shared, he even punctuated his point by waving his plastic fork around. " Wyoming's time skip enhancement only would have allowed us to move through time and not space. If we want to go somewhere else we'd have to use like a transporter or something. So we're exactly where we were before. In the lab, just before it is lab." Grif explanation ground to a halt as he took in the very pointed stares he was getting from the pair of them.

"He's right." Church told Tucker perhaps with a modicum of respect. A very small modicum mind. "Grif how did you know that? I mean, no offense but well." Church started.

"Yeah that sounded more like Simmons than you." Tucker teased.

Grif looked at them both with the mounting horror of self realization. "Oh my god you're right. That could have been Simmons talking. It's finally happened. He's done it. He's made me a nerd!" Grif moaned and turned his pleading gaze to the skies. "Why god! I don't want to be a nerd, I like sex! Please don't make me a nerd!" He sobbed pathetically to the heavens. He even dropped his fork.

"Grif you know those things aren't." Church began but even he knew a lost cause."Sorry buddy looks like Simmons has ruined you for anyone else."

The pregnant pause that followed that pronouncement was phenomenal.  Never have so many innuendos and punchlines run through three men's heads (well two men and an AI's heads) so quickly. By unspoken consensus they dropped it (and we're all silently grateful Donut wasn't there).

"So, and I can't believe I'm going to ask this question. **When** are we?" "Grif sighed with all the weariness of a man who'd just discovered he'd become a nerd by exposure and then just asked a question that even nerds sneered at.

"We worked it out earlier, they've just started implantation of the AI's, me, in the freelancers. Neither of you are in the army yet." Church said quietly not acknowledging either of them. No one needed to ask who the 'we' was or ask why Church was sullenly looking to the floor. Tucker wished fervently for a second that he was one of those people who always seemed to know what to say. If he tried to comfort Church now he'd only make it worse. Grif obviously wasn't any better given the desperate look he kept shooting him.

The amount of uncomfortable silences Tucker had suffered through this evening was getting ridiculous and he felt entirely justified in blaming Felix for them. What a dick.

That pressure inside Tucker started to build the longer no one spoke. "We should come up with a plan." Tucker winced at how loud he was, the fake cheer. He only needed to clap his hands together and he would be a total duche-bag. Thank you Felix.

"What like find Felix and kill him before he kills us?" Grif said head dropping back on to the wall still gazing up like the stars had the answers. They should be so lucky. They were probably due some cosmic intervention. Although knowing their luck if the Reds and Blues were to get divine help it would probably end up killing them first.

"Yeah I think we may need to come up with a better plan. Without." Tucker started but found himself unable to say Wash's name out loud. " Without the other's, we're not going to be able to beat Felix, especially if he find's himself. You know what I mean."

"And Locus." Grif added glumly. "He's still alive. I mean I know you're a bit of a bad ass now or whatever and Church is all hopped up on AI superpowers but I still don't fancy our chances. Especially as we don't even know where to find him. It's not like we knew a lot about him either, who knows where he is." It sucked when Grif was right.

Church suddenly flickered and disappeared. Tucker stared at his now empty shoulder.

"What's wrong with him?"

Tucker could hear whispering or an argument on the edge of his brain. "I think he's arguing with himself. "

"That sounds like something I should be worried about." Grif said sharply and Tucker must have been more upset then realized because he found himself snapping. "No. He's fine."

Grif apparently was too tired to take offence merely shrugging it off. "Whatever man. Not like I care after all..." Whatever Grif was going to say was cut of when Church blinked back into existence, this time perched on one of Tuckers knee and twice as agitated as before.

"Right I've come up with the solution." Church barked at the both of them.

"Why does this sound like something that I really don't want to hear." Grif commented sardonically to Tucker.

"Well sorry Grif next time we get stranded in the past with a homicidal sociopath gunning for us I'll let you come up with the solution." Church said. Grif held his hands up in begrudging capitulation but didn't interrupt. Church sighed and started again. "Look we can't go after Felix on our own and before that we still  need to be able to find him. The way I see it we need information and we need back up. Right now there's only one person who has access to both of those things."

Tucker could feel his stomach sinking and he was fairly certain that it wasn't some time travel jet lag. "Dude you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting." Church waved him off.

"Tucker you know it's our only option, he's the only one who could help us. We need the Director." Sometimes Tucker hated being right.

"The Director? Seriously? Because I don't remember that turning out too well last time. Plus what are we supposed to say 'hey we're the guys who kill you in the future would you mind doing us a favor?' You know what Church I can't see that going down to well." Grif pointed out with all his usual subtly and twice as much bitchiness.

"Well obviously we're not going to tell him everything. We're not all as dumb as you are." Church told him practically dripping with exasperation.

"Well what are we going to tell him?" Tucker asked looking down at Church (and that never stopped being weird; Church, Alpha,may have been shorter than Tucker but there's a difference between looking down slightly and bending over to talk to the little blue light in his lap... Again so glad Donut wasn't there).

"Okay I don't entirely know what we're going to tell him but we still have to find him yet. I'm sure I'll have figured out something by the time that happens." Church said obviously not happy about the entire situation, like any of them where.

"Well we're going to have to come up with something soon. If we say the wrong thing we could accidentally change history as we know it or tear a fabric in the space time continuum thus dooming the whole universe.... **Oh Fuck you Simmons**." Grif sighed more wearily than an 90 year old woman who'd just be forced to run up a steep hill.  He shifted about until he was laying down his head resting on the end of Tucker's bed. "Whatever I suppose we've done stupider shit before." With that final contribution to the conversation Grif closed his eyes in an obvious ploy to ignore the smug expressions of the Blue Team. 

Tucker followed his example and laid down trying to ignore aches, pains and shitty bedding. He didn't sleep though. Now everything had quietened down he couldn't stop the images coming to him. He could feel himself shaking, tears threatening to fall but Tucker did what he always did and pushed and pushed until all those feelings where put away.

The glow from Church's body lit up the small space, he'd migrated to some nearby boxes facing the door so his back was to the bed. Even with his eyes blurring from suppressed tears Tucker could see the miserable stoop to him. They both knew the other was awake but for a couple of hours they said nothing. They were both waiting for the other to break first.

"Do you know where he is, the Director I mean?" Tucker whispered later mindful of Grif softly snoring at the end of the bed.

"Yeah. I do. Don't worry we'll find him." Church said glumly still not turning around. The pair of them descended into awkward silence for another ten minutes, that was how long it took for Tucker to crack. He made sure to keep his hands hidden under the 'blanket' so that even if Church were to turn around he wouldn't see them bunched into fists.

"Church." Tucker started hesitantly. "Do you think Wash is." He trailed off unable to finish but it was obvious what he meant.

Church finally turned around. "Tucker..." Church started sympathetically, the one emotion from Church that was a clearer signal than any other.

"Never mind. Forget it." Tucker said as quickly as he could before he turned over, closing his eyes and pretending to sleep. He ignored Church's attempts to engage him in conversation for quite some time before he finally actually managed to drift off.

* * *

 

 

Blood Gulch turned out to be a practically deserted box canyon. It wasn't exactly what Tucker had been expecting.

Two minutes after he'd been dropped off at his new home he'd been met by his new commanding officer. A tall willowy, native American, with a permanent fatherly smile carved on his face. Captain ('Call me Butch')Flowers escorted him merrily through the new blue base chatting away about all the facilities and decoration. It was big but empty. It also appeared that Tucker and Flowers were the only two people there, hell they had a room just for a flag but not a single other person. 

Tucker was eventually shown to his new 'barracks' which turned out to be a small room just for him.

"Sweet, this is all mine?" He asked Flowers who nodded happily. Tucker threw his bags on the floor in the corner.

"Here at Blue Base we want everyone to have the best. Just because we're in a war zone doesn't mean we can't be comfortable." Flowers told him, leaning (blocking) the entrance to the door. Looking back Tucker wonders how he could have been so fucking dumb. He didn't say _'hey why are there only two of us? Who are you? Where am I?'_ No he didn't ask those questions.

"Cool this is way nicer than the bunks at training!" Was what he actually said as he flopped down on his bed to test it out.

"Like I said, only the best in the Blue Army. Now Private Tucker I think now would be a really good time for a nap." Flowers told him warmly clapping his hands together.

"A nap? Don't we have to have, I don't know some orientation thing. I thought we'd be fighting shit?" Tucker asked trusting, naively, stupidly.

"Now Private Tucker they'll be plenty of time for that later. You've just come back from training and I heard that you worked really hard. You should sleep and tomorrow when we're all refreshed we'll have a nice breakfast and talk about what we can do to kill those Reds." Flowers gave him another mega watt grin.

"Well I have been working hard." Tucker said. "I suppose some sleep would be good."

"That's right. You get rested up, tomorrows a brand new day." Flowers told him and left but not before giving Tucker another fatherly clap on the shoulder.

The door was shut and Tucker for the first time in months was alone. He left his armor on the shelves lining 'his' room and finally in his civvies sat down in the silence and waited for sleep.

He didn't like it.

Eventually he gave it up as a done deal but when he tried to leave the door was locked. Huh, he thought to himself, Flowers must have accidentally locked me in, I'll have to tell him about it tomorrow at breakfast.

So he's locked in, it's hot and still light out and it's so quiet it hurts. He doesn't have any options so he lies in bed put's his helmet on and turns on some of the porn he managed to download before he left. It' uncomfortable as fuck lying there with a helmet on and boxers but anything is better than silence. He can think in silence. Tucker eventually manages to doze off to the sound of two women and a man overacting the shit out of a threesome.

* * *

  

 

"This is a stupid plan. A **really** , _really,_ really,  ** _really_**  stupid plan." Grif said for the billionth time. " I thought you said that you were a genius now, you couldn't come up with a better plan than this?" He was talking to Church obviously, who had taken to hovering between them in an effort to be inconspicuous.

"Shut up they'll hear you." Hissed Tucker. He had to admit though, Grif had a point. It had taken them three weeks of scabbing lifts off random passerby's and living in storage spaces and broom closets to get from Chorus to Ganymede, where the Director had landed the Freelancers ship (The Mother of Invention, which for the record Tucker thought was a fucking stupid name) in order to stock up on supplies. In that time Tucker was kind of hoping that Church would have come up with a plan better then 'let's sneak on board and wing it.'

So to summarize Grif and Tucker are tired, dirty and none of them have talked about Wash Carolina or Felix. They probably didn't need to. 

They've already jumped over the fence (or flopped over and crashed to the floor in Grif's case) that surrounded the docks and somehow managed to avoid being spotted by any of the armed guards. Now they're hiding behind two shipping containers near the Mother of Invention.

The whole place is crowded, noisy, smelly and even worse the ship's entrance way was being over seen by a very short but fierce woman shouting orders to a gaggle of stressed underlings hauling crates of supplies. There wasn't that many but there was more than two of them, oh and they were all heavily armed.

"Just in case I wasn't clear before, we're fucked." Grif told them, again.

"Right okay I've got an idea, be prepared to run on my mark." Church ordered. Tucker and Grif were fully in agreement over that idea.

"Unless you mean run back the other way, then fuck no." Grif told him. "I don't know if you'd notice but that place is heavily guarded not to mention full of fucking Freelancers who will stomp on all our balls and then kill us."

"Grif shut up we don't have a choice, just prepare to run on my mark and Tucker throw a grenade over to there." Church said pointing to somewhere to the left of them. "When it goes off they'll be distracted and run over to check it out, we run to those crates over there in the corner. There's a corridor behind them just past those Warthogs, I need you two to duck into it. Once you're there you need to run down it take the third left and go through the second door. It's a janitor's supply room, you can disguise yourself as cleaners or something and make your way to the Directors rooms." Church whispered hurriedly.

"What? What type of fucking stupid plan is..." Grif started but Church interrupted him.

"Tucker now." Tucker threw a grenade as hard as he could but not without saying. "We are all going to die." The explosion was big enough and loud enough that everyone at the entrance of the ship shouted and ran around the corner to see what was happening, even the scary overlord lady.

"RUN!" Church yelled quietly. They did, well Tucker did with Grif stumbled behind him swearing "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit"  under his breath the whole way. They just managed to dive behind the crates when the others began to wonder back in.

"Alright boys get back to work, it's only a faulty grenade nothing to get so excited about. You two over there..." Grif and Tucker froze.

"Yeah boss." Came the woe-begotten sounds of two soldiers way to close to them for comfort but, and this was the important part, still not them.

Tucker signaled silently to Grif, who looked like he was trying desperately not to pant, to follow him. Church momentarily switched himself off before the small blue light could give them away. Unfortunately Tucker could still hear his soft bitching internally. The two of them crawled slowly behind the crates as the guards gradually filed back in and started to get ever closer to their spot.  

The Warthogs were not nearly as closely packed as they looked outside. It would only take one person to look at the wrong time and they would be done for. The entrance to the corridor was right in view. They were going to have to risk it. 

Taking one last gulp of air before they inevitably got shot Tucker grabbed at Grif and physically dragged him across the room in a weird half crawl half sprint and through to the corridor without being spotted. 

Once they got around the door Tucker started to jog down the corridor with Grif huffing behind him. "Why is it that all the plans that Blue team come up with involve running."

_Coming up to the corner now._

"We're not running, we're jogging. Quit bitching we've only got to get around the next corner and you can catch your breath." Tucker told him with a roll of his eyes.

Grif shook his head and relaxed as they started to turn the corner, he said rueful smile evident in his tone. "I still can't believe that worked." He trailed off and Tucker came to an abrupt halt beside him.

"Well what have we got here?" The soldier in tan armor said to the four armed guards flanking him, all with their guns aimed at the two of them. "You boys seem to have got lost...let me guess you're just looking for the bathroom?"

"Actually I was looking for your Mom, she left her underwear behind last night I thought I'd just bring it back." Tucker said with bravado trying not to let on that Church seemed to be going haywire in his head bouncing between whispering and sending shocks of static through Tucker's mind. If he survived this Tucker was going to find some way of kicking his ass.

Grif gave Tucker judgmental glare, hands already in the air, as Tucker tried desperately to ignore Church. "Dude, seriously is this like a disease or something?"

Tan on the other hand laughed like Tucker had told him the best joke in the world and then promptly punched him in the face. Tucker stumbled and reached for his sword when Church popped into view.

"Agent York stop we're friendlies!" He said.York pulled up short and looked at them both accusingly. "You've got AI's? Stand down." York said to the guards behind him but his attention never left Church and Tucker. "I didn't know that any other AI's were assigned outside our Unit. What's your name and you two what's your designations?"

Tucker, Grif and Church managed to have a whole argument in two seconds without any of them opening their mouths. A new record for them. _It's alright York's one of the good guys._ Church said in his head, which was still creepy and something the two of them were going to have to talk about, you know, if they were still alive in a few minutes.

"Er well, York right. It's a funny story and you're probably not going to believe us. So let's just say you're a good guy and we're good guys and just leave it at that." Tucker hazard.

York gave another dry chuckle and moved ever closer into Grif and Tucker's space. "See I don't know, I'd believe a lot of things. Why don't you try me?" He said softly but with warning right in Tucker's face.

"Well..." Tucker started and he was actually glad for the interruption because he had no idea how he was going to finish the sentence.

"Agent York, what is going on here? Why are you not escorting these trespassers to their cells?" An aggressive southern drawl barked in a oddly familiar way. It belonged to some short ass man in his fifties who was marching towards them like he owned the place.

Like he said Tucker was grateful for the interruption, for all of two seconds. Just about until the second before Church saw who was coming towards them. **YOU!** Eight voices shouted in his head.

He screamed and tried to wrench his helmet off. "Church stop it! Church!" Nothing.The old man was suddenly in front of him yanking off his helmet, as soon as he touched him, Tucker's mind caught fire and he collapsed out cold at the Directors feet.

 

* * *

 

Come the morning and Tucker didn't feel any better than before, despite sleeping in a better bed. At some point during the night (although it looked like the sun never set on Blood Gulch.) he'd wrenched his helmet off and flung it on the floor. There was now a massive dent in it. Awesome.

Tucker didn't see anyone when he was getting ready and his door had become unlocked. Perhaps he imagined it the night before? He had been pretty tired.

The base was nothing like the barracks at training, which had been a continuous riot of shouting, laughing, swearing and various other bodily sounds which Tucker really didn't want to get into. There was just the sounds of wind rustling through sand, there wasn't even any birds. Mind you Tucker thought, as he made his way to the dining area he'd been shown last night, maybe the birds had done the sensible thing. It was the deadest place Tucker had been to and that included the morgue (dead eyes staring up at him, don't think about it, don't think about it). Except not quiet that dead.

The light blue soldier was sat down at the table, even in full armor he managed to look nervous. He pulled himself up straight when he saw Tucker staring at him from the doorway. "What the fuck you staring at rookie?" He said and yeah that was definitely the same guy as on the plane, Tucker would recognize that attitude anywhere.

"Why are you calling me rookie. Aren't you a rookie too? I mean wouldn't it be better to just say 'hey other new guy' or something like that not just 'fuck you rookie'." Okay that hadn't really been what Tucker meant to say, he'd been thinking something along the lines of 'so your the only other guy here' and also 'so what was with that warehouse thing' but something about the guy just set Tucker into automatic snark mode.

"I didn't say fuck you rookie I said what the fuck are you staring at rookie."

"Is there a difference?" Tucker asked as he dropped down opposite him and began playing with the empty fruit bowl in the middle of the table.

"Well yeah of course there is...I think. Whatever man this conversation is stupid." Church sulked and began drumming his fingers nervously on the table, he stopped abruptly and stared at Tucker again.

"Wait a minute I know you don't I.You're the asshole who threw up on me!"

"Oh yeah sorry about that. I was really, really drunk." Tucker said completely and totally unapologetic, everyone's done it he's not going to waste his time with shame.

Church snorted. "No kidding, I swear it's the only time I've seen sick that's flammable, what was it 80% proof?" Church wasn't really mad Tucker could tell. It was like finding a bit of a kindred spirit.  Church was obviously one of those people who liked to be an ass. Which was perfect because right now what Tucker wanted was to be an angry bitch and say whatever the hell he wanted to.

"I don't know man, there was Tequila and Whisky and I'm fairly sure some Sex on the Beach." He said wiggling his eyebrows before remembering that Church couldn't see that under his helmet so instead he gave a very accurate hand gesture.

"Oh my god you're disgusting." Church said clearly not all that disgusted if the suppressed laugh was anything to go by. "Is that why you joined up because you were drunk?"

"Well I think so? Oh that and the chicks dig a guy in armor."

"That is just ...unbelievable." Church chuckled with disbelief. " Who the fuck does that!" Turned out that Church had a kind of infectious laughter because soon the two of them were trading increasingly bizarre insults and trying not to completely break down into childish giggles.

"Okay so it might have been dumb but what about you?" Tucker asked failing not to laugh."Why'd you join?"

Church stopped instantly. "I...I don't." He said obviously confused." I don't think, I don't remember." He started with an edge of distress. The mood changed in seconds becoming oppressive. Church who for the few minutes that Tucker had known him was loud, arrogant and brash seemed to shrink in on himself.

"Brilliant! I see that everyone's been getting acquainted. I hope you boys have been getting on well." Flowers popped into view sounding a little out of breath, almost as if he'd been running. Whatever, maybe Tucker was being paranoid, the guy just didn't want to be late. It didn't necessarily have anything to do with Church. Yeah right.

"Captain Flowers, sir!" The pair of them had apparently been drilled better than Tucker realized because they were up out of their chairs and saluting within seconds of Flowers entering.

"Now you two, let's not stand on formality, sit down both of you." He waved at them both and reluctantly he and Church sat back down at the table. It was amazing how uncomfortable it became when your CEO joined you at the dining room table. "Well as you both know I'm your Commanding Officer here at Blue Base and I'm sure the three of us are going to form one of the best units that the Blue Army has ever seen. We're going to be fighting against the Red Army across the canyon. Now I don't want you boys to worry, there's no one stationed over at Red Base just now so we have lots time to get some extra training in!" Flowers told them. He was either the nicest or most patronizing man Tucker had ever met and to be honest it was giving him a headache trying to work it out.

"Er Captain Flowers." Church started sounding like he was warring between deference for his Commanding Officer and his natural desire to call everyone he met a fucking dick.

"Please Church how many times call me Cappy." He said with a 'friendly' hand shake on Church's arm.

"Right..Cappy." Tucker fancied he could have seen the vein throbbing on Church's face through his helmet right then. "If there's no one at Red Base right now why don't we just...take it?"

"Well Private that just wouldn't be fair on the Reds now would it. Plus where would all the fun be! I've always felt that victory tastes even better when it's truly earned." 'Cappy' said with sickly sweetness.

Tucker didn't even need to glance over at Church to know they were both sharing the same expression. It was a combination of 'Isn't it more likely that we'll be tasting our own blood instead of victory, which I'm not sure I'm happy with Cappy' and 'Holy fuck you are actually insane in a very real and frightening way'. If this was what they meant by the bond between soldiers than Tucker thought viciously, you could keep it. He'd rather be with sane people that he had no connection with but was entirely safe to let his guard down around.

"So who wants to take the first turn with the Sniper Rifle?" Flowers asked. Tucker, he thought to himself as Church hesitantly raised his hand in the air obviously trying to play it cool, your life just can not get any weirder.

* * *

 

He woke up in the dark, out of his armor, on a bench with a headache. Grif was sat also out of armor slumped in the corner of their tiny cell.

"This shit is getting old." Tucker groused at him.

"You do seem to get knocked out a lot. Maybe you should see someone about that." Grif replied not even moving.

"It's not like I do it on purpose. It just seems to happen that way. Maybe it's Gods way of compensating for the fact that I'm so fine. Stops everyone from being jealous." Tucker told him with a half hearted waggle of the eyebrows.

"Yeah, or hey maybe it's Gods way of punishing you for being such a massive bitch." He said without venom.

Tucker collapsed back down and tried once again to take stock of the current situation. They had manged to get on board the Mother of Invention, score 1. They'd been captured, had their armor taken from them and all their weapons and they were in prison. Added to that they were stranded back in time with a blood thirsty mercenary after them. Tucker might not be the best at maths but even he could tell that they weren't exactly coming through this smelling like roses. More like smelling of cat sick and garbage.

The pair of them had lapsed into an uneasy silence. Tucker didn't really spend a lot of his time out of armor around Grif, despite being friends for a good number of years. It was weird to be able to see his face and all the little nervous ticks and gestures that came from being able to move without space grade metal plating stuck to your body.

Grif always looked larger than life out of his customary orange Mark VII, he was tubby but not as fat as they liked to joke about. With the scruffy brown beard and longish hair tied back  and tribal tattoos down his brown arms (aside from his left where his skin grafts still showed), he was the least likely soldier that ever lived.  He looked a bit like a stereotypical surfer that instead of getting in the sea just sat himself down on the beach and used the board as a sun blocker. He was pensive now though with that firm set to his lips that meant he was warring between genuine anger and worry.

"We're fucked aren't we." He said completely seriously. No joking around.

"Yeah we are." Was the only response that Tucker could give.It sucked when brutal honesty was all you had to offer.

He wished Church was here, not that he'd be any use mind you,but it took a lot to make him quietly serious.

"Aw fella's don't be down." It was Agent McCocky otherwise known as York leaning on the wall outside their prison cell. "The Director want's to see you. Just you.." He pointed to Tucker when Grif started to drag himself off the floor. "Sorry man" He said to Grif as he turned off the electric shield door and handcuffed Tucker. "At least you can sit on the bench now that Sleeping Beauty's gone."

"Wow, thanks a bunch, a whole bench. It's what I've always wanted how ever can I thank you." Grif really was a master at the deadpan sarcastic reply, but still he did perch himself down on the recently vacated seat.

"Well." York started, peering at Grif over Tucker's shoulder but he was stopped short by Grif putting a weary hand up.

 "You know what I've had my quota of being told creepy shit while being held hostage, you're going to have to threaten me another time." It was the fact  he wasn't even joking that was the saddest thing.

"I wasn't going to say anything creepy." York said genuinely affronted. "Wait, how often do you guys get held hostage?"

"All the fucking time." Was the unison response.

York shook his head in wonder "Who are you guys, again?"

"Man." Grif said sympathetically. "You would not believe us if we told you."

* * *

 

York and three other guards marched Tucker through the ship. Everywhere they went there were hoards of people. This is what real military operations look like Tucker, he told himself and he wondered how he was ever fooled by the idea that three men alone in a desert constituted a military campaign. Man he really was dumb.

York wouldn't tell him where they were going outside of visiting the Director but he did keep up a steady stream of chatter that alternated between jocular banter and subtle questioning.

Tucker was in no mood to talk, up until they stopped at some pretty imposing doors what was clearly the entrance to the Director's Lair (yes the capital letters were needed) when he felt he had to say one thing.

"Sorry about saying I fucked your mom." Which was true, Tucker had standards admittedly not many but mothers were definitely sacrosanct in the bro code (even if sisters were not). The guards escorting them were clearly new if the cut off snorts where any indication.

"Nah don't worry about it we're cool." York drawled as he went to re cuff Tucker's hand behind his back this time. "Although" He said putting his hand on Tucker's shoulder. "I may have to return the favor when I see your mom."

The words slipped out viciously and without Tucker's consent."She's dead." York backed off immediately without a word but with a offhanded shrug as Tucker wrenched his shoulder out of York's grip. His shirt was pulled down in the process exposing the long top of his tattoo.

"Hey. Is that ...Covenant script?" York started baffled.

"No. It's Sangheili." Tucker told him defensively and gave him the biggest scornful glare he could manage (he may have learnt it from, from Wash.) "Now am I gonna see the Director or what?"

The other guards manhandled him through the doors leaving York to stand alone, bereft in the hallway.

"Seriously who the hell are these guys?"

 


End file.
